Eliminate Communication in Four Easy Steps

Are you fed up with roommates/group projects/coworkers? Do you want to change the way things are? Of course you do! You, like the rest of us, want justice, goodwill, the whole bit. Follow these four easy steps, and you can be sure that whoever you’re upset with will listen to you and take you seriously.Step 1. First, don’t do any research. Those pesky little facts are just going to get the way of real progress. Instead, you need to find the people responsible for your frustration, and begin accusing them without any evidence other than your word. You can even use ad hominem attacks. In fact, I’d encourage it because, if you insult who they are as people, they will take everything you say into consideration. Flies like vinegar better than honey, really.

Step 2. Now, this part might be a little difficult, but it’s necessary if you want to make things better.  You must insist to those around you that you are doing something to fix the problem, but actually, you must do nothing. You can brainstorm about how to help, but don’t think about actually doing anything productive. However, you need to appear to be proactive at all costs. To make this step more effective, don’t go by the Matthew 18 principle. Instead of going to that person you’re upset with in private, why not involve everyone you can? Who needs just two or three witnesses when you can have several dozen? There’s strength in numbers, after all.

Step 3. In conjunction with step two, you need to carefully avoid any civil, professional communication with these people. They don’t deserve your respect, so this obviously means that you do not show them any. Do not attempt to cooperate with them in a friendly, brothers-and-sisters-in-Christ manner, but rather avoid the issue by refusing to compromise. I mean, they probably don’t have anything worthwhile to say anyway. But especially don’t be professionally respectful toward them, because that might lead to honest communication. And if you decide to be honest, steps one and two won’t be of any use to you, I’m afraid.

Step 4. If you have followed the previous steps and you are not satisfied, you’ve got to pull out all the stops. Go directly to the people you are fed up with and throw a fit. Yell at them about all of the things you did no careful research on. Argue with them about things you are not willing to help fix. Argue furiously. Finally, conclude with some more ad hominem jabs at their personal integrity, of which they clearly have none. You’re the one trying to do some good. They’re getting in your way. Become visibly irritated when these people are not wildly enthusiastic to hear what you have to say. How dare they! You made your point clear by yelling at them. If you had spoken nicely, they would surely not have listened. You made your frustrations known when you told them the workplace/church/circus/campfire/what-have-you would be better off without them.  They will definitely listen to you when they come to their senses.

So there you have it. With just four simple steps, you can avoid all attempts at professional communication while at the same time throwing the equivalent of an adult temper tantrum.

Note: This is a sarcastic editorial and is not meant to be taken literally/offensively.