Defining the Relationship: Dos and Don’ts

The Laws of Attraction are simple: He likes you or he doesn’t. Listen up ladies, because this article is for you. There are a few rules to abide by in order to make your relationship successful… for now anyway. Beginning stages of the relationship are like a newly sprouting flower. If you over water it, or in this case don’t play hard enough to get, kiss that baby flower goodbye. Though the right amount of playing hard to get isn’t clearly stated anywhere, if anyone can have it… you don’t want it. Second rule to follow in the beginning stages of relationships is to be completely honest. Lies always work their ways out of the cracks, and finding out that you are actually 38 and not 28 gets real awkward real fast. Third of all, make sure you are ready for a relationship before you throw yourself under the bus on that subject. Think of a relationship as an additional 8 unit class… On top of your already 7 class schedule and 35 hour work week.
Before jumping into things, ask yourself one question: Are you a hot mess? Though being a hot mess in 2013 was fun, and you might have used the quote “Girls just want to have fun”… you still have to keep it classy. Your punk days with neon hair and black nail polish may be over… but that hot mess inside of you can flair up at any moment. You may be thinking “whipping your hair back and forth” is cute, but it’s not, and can result in injury. And don’t act surprised if he acts like a ten, and turns out to be a two… its your fault for not requesting more photos from your dating site you found him on. And if you have bad breath, know that you will be exiled off my island real quick. Go and spend the 99 cents for a pack of gum, and thank me later. During the first kiss, keep your foot down, Anne Hathaway. No one has done that since the 80’s, and you will be severely judged. Talking about an ex is an extreme turn off, and should never be expressed with your new potential. When on a first date, you probably should refrain from any foods that are “difficult to eat”. Just think, would this spaghetti look cute all over my face? Absolutely not. And most importantly, always do a background check on your potential date. If they have a misdemeanor, or are related to Honey Boo Boo in anyway, it is smart to know ahead of time and take all precautions.

After dating for a matter of time, you ask yourself, “Am I ready?” Are you ready for the the status symbol: the Facebook official statement? Here is some advice.
Defining the relationship can be worse than the plague. This can make or break whatever you think might be going on. You wonder when is the right time? How would I approach this awkward situation? Yes, I may be sitting in my dorm room wearing sweats and eating last nights Pick Up Stix and you may be pondering this question, but remember: Though most of my amazing “One liners” come from Gossip Girl quotes or fortune cookies, I’ve been through the ups and downs of the dating roller coaster myself. Anything you ponder to know, I have your back.The following are life lessons to live by.

1. Is there a right time to pop the question? Absolutely not, and most men would run for the hills to avoid this subject. If you jump the gun too fast, get ready for a potential shutdown. Most men, although the feelings may be mutual, will deny all feelings to avoid awkward confrontation.
2. Wondering what is he thinking? If you are wondering this question, you clearly are over-thinking what’s going on here.
3. How do I have a successful relationship, without the extra baggage? No one likes extra baggage, or baggage at all. Keep it to a minimum. Don’t dwell on the past.
4. Am I too needy? Probably. And that ain’t cute.
5. Are tights ever going to replace pants? Absolutely not. Stop trying to make tights happen, they are not going to happen.
6. Is there such a thing as sending too many selfie Snapchats? Without a doubt. Keep it to a minimum, and do every other day. Play up the hair, as you have 10 seconds or less to make an impression.
7. Am I using the right hashtags on Instagram? There are no right or wrong hashtags… just keep it simple, and don’t make him think too much. If he is pondering what you meant when you hashtagged “#thisguy” or “#greatdaywiththisboy”, you are trying too hard, and it looks desperate.
8. Am I playing too hard to get? Most likely yes, and in that time you have already lost his attention. Keep it simple, but exciting. And keep the games to a minimum… ain’t nobody got time for that.
9. Is texting someone else while on a date acceptable? Never. Did I go on a date with you, or you and your mother…?
10. How do I go to VU and still be completely fabulous you ask? Thats a secret I’ll never tell. You know you love me.